


Dull.

by hy_ddy



Series: In which Minseok doesn't feel like he's the hyung [10]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, this is actually angstier than most of the others from this serie, underlying mention of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hy_ddy/pseuds/hy_ddy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok was very familiar with that feeling of not being able to do anything. But he was going to get better, because people were there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dull.

Sometimes when you wake up, you get that feeling that today will be utter shit. It could be because you've had a bad dream, because you know of an event that will happen in the day, but for some people, it's because of that dull feeling creeping through your body. The dullness is a feeling that can be interpreted differently for each person, but to Minseok, it can be called dread. Dread of moving, dread of feeling the ground under his feet, dread of meeting people in the eyes, dread of talking, of hearing, of doing anything, because everything could go wrong. Because Minseok can always slips and do or say something he shouldn't. He just fears, even if those fears are completely stupid or childish to others. He's scared, and he hurts, because this dull feeling almost becomes physical, keeping him from moving, closing his eyes, even breathing sometimes. And in the end he just feels nothing, because why bother yourself with feeling when you know you're going to fuck up ?

That's how Minseok woke up this morning. Light had brushed over his face, gently with a completely silent dorm, as it often was when he would wake up. He had been lying on his side, back against the wall as he slowly started to open his eyelids. And he couldn't move. He couldn't breath well. He couldn't find the will to get up or do anything. He was dull. He was scared. He didn't know why, he couldn't do anything, he just couldn't find the strength to. So he just stared at the opposite wall, shelves filled with clothes and books, with pictures of him and his friends, his bandmates, his family. And as he looked over them, pupil only slightly moving, he couldn't recognize himself. Who was that smiling Minseok ? Who was that man who had friend and was happy ? Because, this morning, he just couldn't find any traces of him in himself.

He was just feeling so unworthy of all this, oh so far away from those pictures, those moments. He just wanted to cry, to turn around, face the wall and forget about the pictures smiling at him, mocking him for being so weak and annoying, he wanted to fall back asleep and never wake up, he wanted to go away, to die, to disappear. But he just. Couldn't move. He was scared. The dread. And he knows, Minseok knows that when he's like that, there is no going back, he couldn't keep himself from hurting himself, from looking at the happy faces and tell himself that he just didn't belong there. He couldn't move, so he didn't make any gesture to brush away the furious, depressed tears falling out of his eyes, rolling on his cheeks, his nose, trailing further than his temples, sometimes falling on the mattress. And he stayed like that, hating himself, because that was the only thing he was good at.

 

+

 

Their only schedule today was in the afternoon, so that morning was spent lazily, everyone waking up at different hours, equally lazy smiles on their face – or not, Tao wasn't really a morning person -, because for once they had slept as much as they wanted. Luhan himself had been one of the last one to get out of his bed, he noted as he caught some strawberry jam on his finger, menacing to fall off from his toast. As he sucked on his finger, he noticed that one of the usually earliest riser wasn't out of his room. Or maybe he had missed him. He was still kind of asleep. But this bright pink hair usually attracted attention, and Luhan was sure he hadn't seen his best friend this morning. He slightly frowned, but tried not to be worried. He knew Minseok wasn't okay, but was trying. And he knew it was hard to recover from a fall like that. And he knew the elder could be a handful, sometimes, when metaphorical shit went down in this head.

So what ? It's not like it never happened to any of them. It just so happened that Minseok was a victim to those kind of moods more often than the rest. And Minseok was his friend, hell, his best friend. And as the best bro Minseok has ever had, it was Luhan's duty to help him through this fallout.

 

Thanks god it was Jongdae and Chanyeol's turn to do the dished today, because Luhan had other matters to attend to. He left his plate dirtied by some smudged jam, quickly cleaned his hands under the water, and maybe he had a determined expression on his face, because Sehun was looking at him with a weird look. Well, it wasn't often that they'd see Luhan as awake as he was now, considering they were free from any activities this morning. But the older man did not pay any mind to his other bandmate, only walking in the hallway that was already quite animated, one of the doors opening on Kyungsoo and Yixing watching a movie on the latter's tablet, another door with Tao and Baekhyun bickering, making so much noise Luhan was tempted to tell them to shut up, but, mh, he wasn't any better.

He reached the end of the hallway, Minseok and Zitao's room. He already knew Tao was out, but he realized he actually didn't know if his friend was awake. What if he was sick ? What if he had had a super shitty night ?

Luhan worried his lower lip for a second, but decided to slowly push the door open.

 

The room was a clear yellow, light swimming on its walls, washing over any dull color to make it brighter. Reflection of pictures on the wall met Luhan's eyes, and he had to turn his head to avoid being blinded, and here he saw Minseok, on the edge of his bed, blanket only covering half of his small frame. He had his knees bent, close to his chest, and his two hands under his left cheek. And empty eyes open. And maybe he had felt Luhan's gaze on him, because he blinked once, acknowledging his presence, but not saying anything.

And Luhan knew, while taking a deep, silent intake of breath, what was happening under his eyes.

 

Minseok had told him once about how dull, how lifeless he'd feel sometimes, how empty he thought he truly was in those mornings. The dread, he had called it. And, when it first happened, or at least the first time Luhan went to his room to find him in his state, he hadn't known what to do. Minseok had told him that every person reacted differently, had a different state of comfort, depending on their state and on who was talking to them. But Luhan had learned. Step by step, after nods, soft grunts from Minseok, guiding him the best he could, or just from talking after those situation, both had learned what the elder needed.

 

So Luhan crouched in front of his best friend, hiding his vision so he'd only be able to see him, to only focus on him. If Minseok's eyes had been void of anything before, now there seemed a bit glassy. Luhan reached for his friend's hair, a small smile tugging at his lips, trying to reassure him that it was fine, that everything is okay, i'm here, i'm with you and i'm not letting you go, i'll be there to catch you, Minseok. He slowly brushed his digits on Minseok's scalp, something that would ease that dullness, they had found out. And by his state, Luhan understood that he had been awake, like that, since a few hours already, because he just broke down.

Minseok's break downs weren't loud sobs and hiding his face in someone's chest, or trying to dry his tears, to muffle his cries into his sleeves. Minseok's break down were of the silent and heartbreaking ones. He was still looking at Luhan, face incredibly still as his eyes were suddenly submerged by tears, an unstoppable flow. His hands were shaking, fingers moving for what seemed like the first time in years. He gripped the sheets tightly, closing his eyes to finally relish in the feeling of Luhan's fingers in his hear, on his scalp. Minseok could feel the beating of his heart intensify from the sudden rush of feeling, and maybe Luhan had heard it too, because he stopped his ministration for a second, gently cupping Minseok's wet cheek, a reassuring, a safe warm spot. Luhan's hand always felt so warm, so gentle, so good and alive.

 

And that was what Minseok was feeling, right now. The dread was leaving his body, but in a painful reminder that he was there, that Minseok was horribly alive and that people cared about him, and that the couldn't just disappear like he often wanted to. Because he loved this warm hand on his cheeks, those long fingers on his scalp, and that sweet smile that only wanted to bring him back, because Minseok was loved. 

 

Luhan knew Minseok's whole body was shaking, and as his friend rolled on a sitting position on his bed, Luhan accompanied him, making sure he wouldn't fall or slip on the floor. Minseok was still kinda of scared of moving, right now, Luhan could tell, so he was the one who moved. He sat down next to his friend, holding both of his hands through the process, linking their fingers together as he settled for nesting his head on Minseok's shoulder. Both his thumbs were making slow, massaging circles on the cold, weak hands, but he could feel the other getting better.

 

A few minutes passed, Luhan had closed his eyes, one hand still making circles, the other softly circling Minseok's wrist, counting the heartbeats. He suddenly felt a weight on his head, the weight of a head being pressed against his. Luhan smiled.

 

They didn't need words. Luhan didn't need to hear Minseok say it, because he knew what this gesture meant to him. He knew Minseok wouldn't trust his voice, right now, anyway. And after all, they've had moment like these so many times, Luhan could now put a feeling on every slight movement from the elder.

And this one, this one was special.

 

Thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok yeah I haven't had the inspiration for like two months and then the other day i was like "oh right hahah i have a fucking depression" and thing lead to this.
> 
> xiuhan bros yay
> 
> im sorry it took so long tho haha, i still have at least one part to go.


End file.
